Autumn sun

Autumn is here, and in the beginning of October the lack of sun hit me. Nature was falling asleep, and my body just wanted to join. It got difficult to get out of bed, follow a routine, and really do anything of what’s necessary to stay healthy.

Since then, I’ve had a bit of a breakdown – stayed inside too much, been a bit sad, and almost failed school assignments. That was the culmination really, a weird week where I needed to hand in a text, and I felt like I couldn’t. It’s in times like that you notice how you’re really doing. When you try fighting it. It was such a good week as well, a bunch of great things happened, but I’d been down for so long that it didn’t help.

Anyway. After that, things looked up. Because they had to. A bit of a sad rock bottom, and now I’m doing really well. I’m buying some extra good food for myself, go to the gym, subscribed to the paper edition of the newspaper. Small stuff.

So that’s how I’m doing, how are you? And remember that even if the world is in a certain mood, you don’t have to feel the same.


I wanted to make a ‘thank you’ painting for the school where I worked. I thought flowers, because what you do in a school is basically planting seeds in people and hoping it grows/helping it grow to something good.

Also, let us appreciate technology, where you can edit photos of your paintings and then change your mind before you destroy them in real life (I went with the first background).

And here is the first painting on the theme, that I deemed too weird and stare-y, so I kept it for myself and now brought it to Florida to make people think I’m very fancy and artistic.


Night loves.

Lack of school

For the first time in my life I don’t start school in the autumn. It’s weird, like one summer I just quit and didn’t come back. I can’t decide if that means my summer holiday is nonexistent – because I don’t have anything to take vacation from – or if it’s eternal. I would write more, but for some reason the words are running away from me. My thoughts want to stay in my head, or maybe I don’t know what I think. I’m scared, anyway. Terrified of the future, and whenever I tell someone my age, they say that they are too. That only sort of helps. I suppose the problem is that we don’t have any excuses left. We’re not stuck anymore. But we are. Stuck in our heads and stuck in the realisation that you need money for everything. Stuck in believing money is the necessary-iest. I don’t really know where to go, and all my energy goes to convincing myself that’s okay.

Prom and Graduation Photobooomb

Because I realised I’ve forgotten to upload any of this.. Prom was great, but mostly due to the whole dressing up part, apart from that it was mostly a dinner and then going to the club. Graduation – I don’t even know – it was probably the most intense day of my life and now it feels like a dream, but in a good way haha. Anyway, let the photobombing start.

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Aaaand the day of my graduation. I realised these pictures might seem a bit strange if you’re not familiar with the classic Swedish graduation traditions, but well just.. don’t.. question it.

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If you’re in school, believe me when I say it will be over in the blink of an eye. Enjoy it. (But also remember that then the rest of your life starts, and that.. is gonna be good)


Happy endings

I just handed in my last essay. 2 days to prom, 11 days til I graduate, and I have no more tests. No more essays. Quizzes, presentations.. it’s over. And what if I never study again? I don’t know where life’s gonna take me, but what if I don’t? Then I’m done. I can focus the rest of my life on doing what I want. I can learn because I want to and not because there’s a deadline tomorrow. So I’m just very excited and wanted to share it with you.

And my last blog post started off with me saying I don’t like endings. You know what? Sometimes I kinda do.

Completely irrelevant photo I took a while ago, because pictures making every blog post nicer, even when it's just random rambling.

Completely irrelevant photo I took a while ago, because pictures just make every blog post nicer, even random rambling.

To the future and beyond (look forward to prom pictures!!).

T minus 30 (days)


5 things I’m stressed out over

  1. I’ve got no job for the summer. Because I was going to maybe be involved in this dance project, but then nothing happened.
  2. Well, I’ve got no plans for life at all pretty much (quite a lot of dreams though).
  3. in 30 days I graduate and I have a million things to do before then.
  4. In 30 days I’ll leave my class in school, my art class, my dance class, my christian school group, all these small communities that I’ve taken for granted.
  5. What if I fail doing everything I’ve ever wanted.

5 things I’m grateful for

  1. I have so many fun things ahead of me during these last few weeks.
  2. How a school class always becomes really social when everyone realises that this will end soon.
  3. This is such a beautiful and bittersweet time.
  4. That I haven’t let fear of uncertainty lead me to seek structure I do not want.
  5. What if I succeed.

Work in progress, the sort of thing it’s fun to be busy with.


Skies and sleep

Today I woke up twice, once at dawn and once at sunset. When I woke up in the morning everything smelt like rain. The sky was blue but the early sun reflected in dark grey clouds sinking to the horizon and everything was wet so I suppose it rained during the night.
     I went to school and found out that my only class was cancelled and went back home.
     I walked half an hour to take the bus to go to the dentist. I get on the bus in the middle of nowhere when I take that bus, so I walk away from my neighbourhood and further until I reach the motorway and walk in the tunnel underneath it and everything around me is green fields as long as I can see. I left my things at the bus stop on a long open road and ran away to pick the flowers I saw earlier, but when I was almost there I saw the bus coming over a hill and had to run back. I picked a small white flower outside the dentist office instead and it’s pressed between the pages of my notebook.
     When I got home I did the perfect four things that I know make me happy, but still rarely do; 1. Jog 2. Shower 3. Eat 4. Sleep. Without any distractions or pointless internet-browsing. So that’s why I woke up now in sunset again. At first I thought the sky was grey and that you could barely see the sun through the clouds. Then I just realised that it already had sunken right under the horizon and the sky was actually clear, but so devoid of colour that it was a light grey instead of blue. I lied in bed for a while, looked through my big windows. Picked up three different books and read a few pages of each.
     And now I’ve gone back inside for that pointless interest-browsing and some toast. Though writing is rarely pointless, I think. And maybe I should not despise my internet-browsing so much, because sometimes I rather have to convince myself to like the person I am at the computer to make me stop wasting time on it.
     Anyway. The sky is black when I walk back out. Stars and stars and stars above. It’s 29 days in school until our final grades are to be written into the system and then I graduate a few days later. And now life manages to be really calm and slow and stressful at the same time. Even though I’m excited for everything that comes after, it feels like I have an entire life to live until then. One of those eternities within eternities.

We should cry sometimes

I’ve always thought that to be strong, you have to be able to smile regardless of what you’re feeling on the inside. I still think that. Put it on the list with all the other thoughts I can’t stop having even after I realise they’re not true.
I wonder if I was depressed last autumn. Probably not, because I know people who have gone through actual tough times, and it was not like that. I think? At least nobody noticed. Me included.
A lot of times when I cry it helps. Afterwards I can become almost giddy. Other times, it’s a really good cry, but I still feel a bit sad. It’s okay, it’s all okay now, but I’m just a bit sad.

A day or two

I’ve realised that I rarely do the whole traditional blogging thing, when you talk about what you’re actually doing with your life. Mainly because whatever I write about I tend to mix in my emotions and feeling and just write a text on the topic. Like writing about how cozy markets are, instead of telling you that I went to one today. But I did. So.
It’s been a few quite nice days. School’s okay, just relatively boring yet somehow stressful. I had an english presentation yesterday which I kind of improvised, because I’d learned a lot about the topic but I hadn’t really written any keywords, meaning that I during the presentation constantly started sentences that I had no idea how to finish and tried to look relaxed while making confused faces in my head.
Also, I already had enough courses so I didn’t have to study maths this last term (swedish school system, it’s complicated), giving me a lot of free periods. Which I was so excited about, but do you know how difficult it is to actually get something done when having a free period? So I’ve spent quite some time procrastinating. As usual.
And okay, fast forward, because this was just going to be a short post. We have this annual market in my town this week and it’s cozy to see the transformation of our centre. It’s a lot of snow but today it was raining a bit despite the cold and we had to take a break from walking through the market just to sit inside of a café and get warm again, drinking hot chocolate. Oh, and I also bought donuts at the market, but they had run out of the ones with smarties, so they made completely fresh ones! Dipped them in melted chocolate and smarties so that it dripped and I got it all over my face when trying to eat, but it was pretty dang good. So yeah, I always feel like I’m boring when I write things like this, but hopefully you’ll survive. Oh, and I have some pictures too!


Snow and sun is da best combination


Hot chocolate with los friendos


Bracelet I bought at the market, traditionally crafted and made out of reindeer horn with the Samian symbols for sun and moon (reminds me of that game of thrones quote..?)

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Aaaand a random picture of me looking a bit drugged

Surviving school (or not)

So yesterday I got ready for my first day at school. Clothes, breakfast, makeup.. only to get there and realise I didn’t have to go to my first class and could come back six hours later. Wandering home my heels made my feet ache and slip on the ice that was somehow still there even though the snow melted the day before, and I don’t think the sky ever turned bright. Back to school later and then back home. It wasn’t horrible. I met some nice people and stuff. And then I went to bed at like seven and thought I was gonna get up later and do everything I had to. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. I slept more than eleven hours. Something about school and the darkness and.. school just makes me want to sleep.

But this is my last term. Thank God, because I am so sick of this. I realised a while ago I chose the wrong subjects to study and that does not help the motivation. I got an awesome backpack for christmas and I just want to go away, travel the world.

But for now I’ll stay here and obviously survive and hopefully live. It’s not bad, it’s just too much of not what I would have chosen to do. And my backpack stands in the corner of my cabin like a promise.