My doubts about what I’m doing with my life are unhealthily dealt with by me creating a persona that I feel is allowed to do what it is that I want.
Because here’s the thing, maybe I would myself only support someone in my situation if they were far enough removed from me. If they were a fun artsy character that I could be amused by and get inspiration from. If they were “normal”, maybe from my village, a completely ordinary person, I would instead be slightly annoyed and feel that they shouldn’t be allowed to do that. My own internalized fear that I’m not allowed, fundamentally: jealousy. If they’re a character however, someone far enough removed from us, we don’t have to feel guilty about us not doing what we want with our lives.
We turn ourselves into the charicature of a role in order to gain some heavenly allowance to walk a certain path. Or other people’s allowance. Or our own allowance, since it’s our own belief about our insufficiency that we subconsciously push onto other people. And maybe I went the crazy artist route instead of the normal missionary one because it’s easier. Because my charicature of the slightly crazy, flighty artist is simple compared to my idolized charicature of missionary, a holy mix of some old school mother Theresa and present day social ball of sunshine, spotless and unattainable.
But the truth is: you’re allowed to remain an ordinary person while pursuing an extraordinary life. In fact, I think it’s absolutely essential.
September. September is my favourite Sweden month. A few days ago the winds blew away the last of the summer heat and now it’s chilly outside. It’s the beginning of the “want to wear gloves” kind of weather, but there are still sunday afternoons where the sun is warm and you can sit outside in a T-shirt.
The other day we had an early birthday party for my sister. She’s going to Australia to do a DTS, a discipleship training school, with the same organisation I’ve worked with before. So it was a bit of a going away party as well. And we had brunch, which was the best part.
Oh, and golden glitter. Those were the best parts, brunch and golden glitter theme.
Sometimes we make God into what we are. But sometimes, possibly more unaware, we make God into what we’re not. He’s my flaws, areas I lack in, often: logic and reason. I see myself as the romantic one in this relationship. The emotional one. I turn to him with thoughts and ideas, problems and decision. Rarely heart. Rarely in my moods and to hang out a second. Idea: if you have something you need to pray about, pray about it. But if the time you’ll take for that is in a few days, there’s nothing stopping you from hanging out with God now. Just to chill. Just to be with him.
It happened and then it was gone. It’s by thinking about getting rid if it that you’re thinking about it at all.
My mum got me a golden, glittery box, like I’m seven and in school all over again. (Except that my mum would never have done that when I was seven? It’s great to reach the age where your parents feel nostalgia spending money on you.) Anyway, the point of the box is that the golden glitter looks exactly like my glittery turtleneck, and it matches the golden stars on my nails. I love it.
The photo doesn’t do it justice of course, but believe me, it was just a good moment.
Update: there are paper cranes balanced on the box now. I’m gonna use it to for stuff I want to put in my letters.
(Soft pencil sketch with textured acrylics surrounding it. In a little circle. Because I love having little circles as backgrounds. I think I have decided it’s my style.)
Also, I like to make gifs on giphy, and I never use any of their unnecessary effects. Except that maybe I’ll start to. They’re kinda fun.
(This is also on Etsy of course)