Some notes the internalized belief that we are not worthy.

My doubts about what I’m doing with my life are unhealthily dealt with by me creating a persona that I feel is allowed to do what it is that I want.

Because here’s the thing, maybe I would myself only support someone in my situation if they were far enough removed from me. If they were a fun artsy character that I could be amused by and get inspiration from. If they were “normal”, maybe from my village, a completely ordinary person, I would instead be slightly annoyed and feel that they shouldn’t be allowed to do that. My own internalized fear that I’m not allowed, fundamentally: jealousy. If they’re a character however, someone far enough removed from us, we don’t have to feel guilty about us not doing what we want with our lives.

We turn ourselves into the charicature of a role in order to gain some heavenly allowance to walk a certain path. Or other people’s allowance. Or our own allowance, since it’s our own belief about our insufficiency that we subconsciously push onto other people. And maybe I went the crazy artist route instead of the normal missionary one because it’s easier. Because my charicature of the slightly crazy, flighty artist is simple compared to my idolized charicature of missionary, a holy mix of some old school mother Theresa and present day social ball of sunshine, spotless and unattainable.

But the truth is: you’re allowed to remain an ordinary person while pursuing an extraordinary life. In fact, I think it’s absolutely essential.

Autumn

September. September is my favourite Sweden month. A few days ago the winds blew away the last of the summer heat and now it’s chilly outside. It’s the beginning of the “want to wear gloves” kind of weather, but there are still sunday afternoons where the sun is warm and you can sit outside in a T-shirt.

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The other day we had an early birthday party for my sister. She’s going to Australia to do a DTS, a discipleship training school, with the same organisation I’ve worked with before. So it was a bit of a going away party as well. And we had brunch, which was the best part.

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Oh, and golden glitter. Those were the best parts, brunch and golden glitter theme.

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xx

Sunday thoughts (5)

Sometimes we make God into what we are. But sometimes, possibly more unaware, we make God into what we’re not. He’s my flaws, areas I lack in, often: logic and reason. I see myself as the romantic one in this relationship. The emotional one. I turn to him with thoughts and ideas, problems and decision. Rarely heart. Rarely in my moods and to hang out a second. Idea: if you have something you need to pray about, pray about it. But if the time you’ll take for that is in a few days, there’s nothing stopping you from hanging out with God now. Just to chill. Just to be with him.

The golden box

My mum got me a golden, glittery box, like I’m seven and in school all over again. (Except that my mum would never have done that when I was seven? It’s great to reach the age where your parents feel nostalgia spending money on you.) Anyway, the point of the box is that the golden glitter looks exactly like my glittery turtleneck, and it matches the golden stars on my nails. I love it.

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The photo doesn’t do it justice of course, but believe me, it was just a good moment.

Update: there are paper cranes balanced on the box now. I’m gonna use it to for stuff I want to put in my letters.

Art and gifs

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(Soft pencil sketch with textured acrylics surrounding it. In a little circle. Because I love having little circles as backgrounds. I think I have decided it’s my style.)

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Also, I like to make gifs on giphy, and I never use any of their unnecessary effects. Except that maybe I’ll start to. They’re kinda fun.

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(This is also on Etsy of course)

Ocean

I’ve always struggled with painting landscape. But here are some things that make it easier:

  1. Work in layers. I literally took a blue pen and very roughly sketched out the painting. Then I took acrylics and used them with a lot of water to make an underpainting – at this point you don’t have to be careful, just put down colour where it’s supposed to be. And then I added oils, which is where I could actually start blending things, and get the exact shades, details and depth. The first steps are easy, because there’s no pressure when you know you’re gonna paint over it anyway. And the last step is easy, because you have the guide of the paint you’ve already applied.
  2. Choose a reference photo with a lot of contrast. This might be personal preference, but I can’t deal with painting full meadows with a thousand different colours in them. I might just need to learn the right techniques, but for now it’s easier to paint something with contrast. That means the dark parts are just dark, and there are big blocks of basically just one colour. That makes it a bit easier to grasp for me, and when a picture has clear shapes it’s easier to know where to begin.
  3. I actually only have two points, but it just looks better with a third.

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Etsy

To see the past through a bedroom window

The top of the trees
young and green
swaying in front of a bright blue background

We can’t walk back along our timline
but we can
oh we can

Have you never wandered the road where you learned how to bike?
Touched the doorframe you used to grab while swinging around fastly
chasing a friend
a cake
a birthday surprise

Your timeline is written in footsteps,
through mud and concrete.

Bruised knees
and bleeding hands
the stretch of grass

Not your memories
but your actual line of time.

It’s tangled
red
all up in the trees
all around the garden

My mum hung these blue curtains,
and I sit on the mattress.

There’s a weight like a rock at the bottom of my heart.

I am not visiting.
The trees, this window:
they’re seemingly permanent.
It seems I can’t get away

but if there’s purpose I dropped along these roads I can’t remember it
I think: I have so much more of that in the future,
why am I still sitting here,
all tangled up in red.

(Etsy)

(Continuing from my last post, I’ve been sharing a lot of my art on etsy lately. Mainly pretty small things, because then they don’t have to be that expensive but it can still be an original piece. I want to write some sort of essay about that – on the merits of original art, simply because I believe there is power and beauty in that kind of shared creativity. I don’t know exactly why or how though, so I want to figure it out for myself to tell it better to others. Anyway, here’s a link.)

Etsy

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On the nature of daylight

I’ve been making even more sky painting lately, because it grounds me somehow. When I get better at it I want to make bigger ones and make a full on exhibition, name it On the nature of daylight, after one of my favourite songs.

Here are some round ones I’m experimenting with.

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