Last dance

I don’t like endings.

There something special about being backstage. Too many lights and wires you’re not allowed to touch, your own little corner where you put your things, and the way you see the entire show being built up and practiced. And then the doors open, and for a few hours people get to see what you have been working on for weeks, months. And then the doors close and everything gets shut down and is no more. It’s not a painting or poem to keep. The performance only exists when you perform it, and then it’s forever gone.

I can usually look forward to do it all over again the next year, but now I graduate and have to quit just when I feel like I actually know everyone.

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So yeah, and I cried. Which was awkward, because my face gets completely red and I can’t hide it at all, and everyone get really surprised and slightly scared because I don’t usually cry and no one expects it from me. I wasn’t really that sad though. It’s just way too good, so when the curtains fall for the last time, I panic because it’s over it’s over it’s over.

Love

 

T minus 30 (days)

 

5 things I’m stressed out over

  1. I’ve got no job for the summer. Because I was going to maybe be involved in this dance project, but then nothing happened.
  2. Well, I’ve got no plans for life at all pretty much (quite a lot of dreams though).
  3. in 30 days I graduate and I have a million things to do before then.
  4. In 30 days I’ll leave my class in school, my art class, my dance class, my christian school group, all these small communities that I’ve taken for granted.
  5. What if I fail doing everything I’ve ever wanted.

5 things I’m grateful for

  1. I have so many fun things ahead of me during these last few weeks.
  2. How a school class always becomes really social when everyone realises that this will end soon.
  3. This is such a beautiful and bittersweet time.
  4. That I haven’t let fear of uncertainty lead me to seek structure I do not want.
  5. What if I succeed.

Work in progress, the sort of thing it’s fun to be busy with.

 

Midnight snack

It’s always interesting to see what my past midnight personality will end up doing. Yesterday it was fudge.

Now, I don’t bake a lot. And not because I don’t enjoy cookies and pastries, but because I’m lazy as fu…dge. But after midnight my personality always turns a bit unpredictable. There’s a quote about this I think:

There. Over thinkers. Silent seekers. A nicer way to say that I turn a bit crazy. Here, another picture:

exactly

Kind of how my brain looked last night, if you would change the pictures of the universe to pictures of chocolate fudge. Actually how my brain looks now, because even thought I’m gonna post this tomorrow, it’s still 2 am now when I start to write this (obviously..). I’m gonna take some pictures of it tomorrow though, 2 am has got horrible lighting. Now I should probably go to bed.

(And see how it's kind of grainy in texture? Yeah, that's because it's basically just sugar)

2 am. See? Horrible lighting (And see how it’s kind of grainy in texture? Yeah, that’s because it’s mostly just sugar)

Next morning. So I ate most of it for breakfast and got a stomach ache. Difference between kid and adult life: now you’re responsible for your own candy intake and can’t whine about things like that.

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Probably shouldn’t call it fudge, basically just a sugary, chocolate-y thing that tastes good with your cereal.

The recipe I used I found here: http://chefronlock.com/recipes/midnight-snack-quick-microwave-fudge/ My requirement when googling was that it hade to be something sweet and unhealthy, I had to have all the ingredients at home and I had to be able to make it in a few minutes. Since this recipe was awesome I might even add this to my list of Things I do after midnight when I should really be sleeping, along with eating pomegranate and drinking tea, drawing, dancing in the kitchen and taking long baths. Well.

Much love!

(Edit: Looking back at this post and seeing how little sense it made. Hah.)

A day or two

I’ve realised that I rarely do the whole traditional blogging thing, when you talk about what you’re actually doing with your life. Mainly because whatever I write about I tend to mix in my emotions and feeling and just write a text on the topic. Like writing about how cozy markets are, instead of telling you that I went to one today. But I did. So.
It’s been a few quite nice days. School’s okay, just relatively boring yet somehow stressful. I had an english presentation yesterday which I kind of improvised, because I’d learned a lot about the topic but I hadn’t really written any keywords, meaning that I during the presentation constantly started sentences that I had no idea how to finish and tried to look relaxed while making confused faces in my head.
Also, I already had enough courses so I didn’t have to study maths this last term (swedish school system, it’s complicated), giving me a lot of free periods. Which I was so excited about, but do you know how difficult it is to actually get something done when having a free period? So I’ve spent quite some time procrastinating. As usual.
And okay, fast forward, because this was just going to be a short post. We have this annual market in my town this week and it’s cozy to see the transformation of our centre. It’s a lot of snow but today it was raining a bit despite the cold and we had to take a break from walking through the market just to sit inside of a café and get warm again, drinking hot chocolate. Oh, and I also bought donuts at the market, but they had run out of the ones with smarties, so they made completely fresh ones! Dipped them in melted chocolate and smarties so that it dripped and I got it all over my face when trying to eat, but it was pretty dang good. So yeah, I always feel like I’m boring when I write things like this, but hopefully you’ll survive. Oh, and I have some pictures too!
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Snow and sun is da best combination

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Hot chocolate with los friendos

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Bracelet I bought at the market, traditionally crafted and made out of reindeer horn with the Samian symbols for sun and moon (reminds me of that game of thrones quote..?)

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Aaaand a random picture of me looking a bit drugged

How to notice the difference

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…”
-C.S.Lewis

This, I think, is one of the most underestimated truths.

You can’t look at the difference, you can just look and look again and notice that today is not yesterday.

We do not understand change. We think it’s a moment, the clock striking twelve on New years eve or when you realise you love someone… when in reality that’s just it, you realise the change but that is not the moment it happens. It already has, over and over again, in the choices you keep on making.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that so many good things were once bad – diamonds out of pressed coal – because like the birds rising at dawn, they do not sing about the night.

I realised this while heading out to my room, the little cabin in my garden. It was snowing the other night and this is one of those changes you do notice. But these following pictures are of just that, of the snow and how the light makes everything slightly golden and warm, and how the sun seems to never set in the summer and the flowers make my home rest in a meadow. Nature doesn’t remember the wind from last week. I will not remember how it made everything creak or when the autumn leaves turned muddy and gross, and how even though it was completely dark without the snow, the full moon still managed to create moving shadows everywhere. That is not what I photographed.

The snow doesn’t remember the heat, nor the summer the autumn colours. The flower doesn’t remember the bud or it would never bloom. We think that our problem is that we live in the past, and it is. But our problem is not that we remember. Because we don’t. We see self-chosen memories, not truths, and so we can pick and choose. And we so rarely choose the time in between.

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Surviving school (or not)

So yesterday I got ready for my first day at school. Clothes, breakfast, makeup.. only to get there and realise I didn’t have to go to my first class and could come back six hours later. Wandering home my heels made my feet ache and slip on the ice that was somehow still there even though the snow melted the day before, and I don’t think the sky ever turned bright. Back to school later and then back home. It wasn’t horrible. I met some nice people and stuff. And then I went to bed at like seven and thought I was gonna get up later and do everything I had to. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. I slept more than eleven hours. Something about school and the darkness and.. school just makes me want to sleep.

But this is my last term. Thank God, because I am so sick of this. I realised a while ago I chose the wrong subjects to study and that does not help the motivation. I got an awesome backpack for christmas and I just want to go away, travel the world.

But for now I’ll stay here and obviously survive and hopefully live. It’s not bad, it’s just too much of not what I would have chosen to do. And my backpack stands in the corner of my cabin like a promise.
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The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

 

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I kind of give it like five stars out of five.

You know, it’s hard for me to give a book five stars out of five because I am afraid that the perfect book will show up, the book of all books, and I will have nothing left to give it. (Like in The fault in our stars when Hazel saves the 10 on her pain scale for when.. you know..) I suppose it’s really about the fact that feelings and opinions (and most things really) rarely can be translated into numbers. But we’re all humans here (I suppose) (gosh, I really need to stop with all of these parenthesis) and as humans we like to sort things out, categorise them and place them in their correct compartments. Except that – spoiler alert – life doesn’t work like that. Which is why, apart from just giving The bell jar almost five stars out of five, I am going to write down my completely subjective opinions and feelings and other things that have no scientific importance and a value of nothing whatsoever, except for, you know, everything. And also, actual spoiler alert for a few paragraphs down, but you’ll see that. For now you can read on without fear.

So the writer of The bell jar is Sylvia Plath. The bell jar is a book by the way. This is a book review. Haven’t really done any of those, not on the internet at least, but I like to read and I like to write so it seemed like a good idea.
First of all I love the way Sylvia Plath writes. She has a very defined voice and I felt extremely close to the main character. Sometimes she would write something that I would agree with wholeheartedly, looking at the world the way I feel I do too, yet I had to stop reading and just breathe for a few seconds because of the brilliant way she expressed it. And I would think Yes. Yes, exactly.
     She also has a way of including the important parts of the story. Every part serves a purpose, even when it’s not loaded with tension. It is though, a story about depression. I suppose you should know that before reading it. I personally love reading this kind of stories and actually find them relaxing somehow, but if you don’t work like that then perhaps you should skip it. On the other hand I wish for everyone to read it because I feel like it’s something more people should understand. While reading the book I also felt such a strong urge to help the main character. I love trying to solve my friends’ problems and I guess it’s in our human nature to try to fix things. Which is why it’s so frustrating when you can’t. In this situation partly because it’s a fictional character, but even in my head I didn’t know what I could have actually done. This is, I suppose, the part we should understand, that it’s not always as easy as fixing.

Le paragraph of spoilers

Sylvia Plath killed herself about a month after the book was released. And the book is called something of a self-biography. It doesn’t actually end with her killing herself though, she goes on to improve slightly from her depression even though she writes that she fears the glass bell jar one day will descend upon her once again, making it impossible for her to breathe. If the book is as self-biographic as it’s said it tells the story of her youth, and when she actually wrote the book several years must have passed. And I suppose it did happen, that she couldn’t escape it. She knew, which is one of the most horrible things to know, that there were some things in herself against which she could not fight back.
     I can’t help but wonder if she could have written herself a happier ending. Not to belittle her depression, because I know that your awareness sometimes shrinks down, like moving into a tunnel where you can no longer see the light. The glass bell jar descends and there’s nothing you can do. But especially before I knew of the books self-biographic nature, I asked myself if she could have saved herself by completely saving the person in it. Then again, if there was a way to fix it, I suppose she would apply it to herself instead of writing a book about it.

So finally… read it? Read it. Definitely. If you, like me, find it intriguing that it’s depressing. I think it’s the type of book that helps me see clearer, and so it actually calms me. And even though towards the ending you won’t be able to put it down, there is no rush in the beginning. I did put it down, many times. To breathe and to think. It was exquisite and I will carry it with me for a long time.

The Swedish north

An autumn post about two months late. We headed up to the north on vacation and I never got around to photobombing you with it so here we go, irrelevance is my motto and a christmas post seemed a bit unoriginal. But I do hope, nonetheless, that you’re having an amazing christmas!

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Summer evenings and writing

I should just write. Maybe the inspiration will flow from my brain like the ink from my pen and maybe the sound of violently pressing the keyboard will bring my heart to a path and back from the distracted zone of nowhere and everywhere. Maybe I should write because I actually do have things to write about, friends and laughter that have passed by, and imaginary people in faraway cultures whose adventures lies at my feet, waiting for my hands and letters. And maybe I should not write. Maybe I should never write again because I never write when I’m happy. Or maybe I should just learn to find another source to creativity, bright days and sunshine instead of bittersweetness and hearts teared apart. And maybe I should write because whatever the answer is, I know that the only way to find it is searching through my thoughts, and the only way to search through my thoughts is falling through them line for line, a never-ending flood of commas and vowels and me.

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