Tag Archives: future

You Will Get What You Want

Posted on by under Longer thoughts

And you can call that karma or a result of good goal setting or the grace of God, but that desire inside will claw at you until it gets out, you will fail and fall but the itch in your guts won’t stop and so you’ll continue.

The problem is that you have to really want it. Do you want that body more than you want a relaxed day in from of the computer? Do you want to write or do you just want something written to brag about? Do you actually want to be successful or do you just want the money that follows? Humans are passionate creatures, and we pour water to build our waves of success until they become uncontrollable and break and drag you with them, but you have to get there. You have to know that you will let go of it, but then you will come back, because you have no choice. You will get what you really want, you will get results in whatever it is that your inner being can’t stop doing, can’t stop being.

Lack of school

Posted on by under life

For the first time in my life I don’t start school in the autumn. It’s weird, like one summer I just quit and didn’t come back. I can’t decide if that means my summer holiday is nonexistent – because I don’t have anything to take vacation from – or if it’s eternal. I would write more, but for some reason the words are running away from me. My thoughts want to stay in my head, or maybe I don’t know what I think. I’m scared, anyway. Terrified of the future, and whenever I tell someone my age, they say that they are too. That only sort of helps. I suppose the problem is that we don’t have any excuses left. We’re not stuck anymore. But we are. Stuck in our heads and stuck in the realisation that you need money for everything. Stuck in believing money is the necessary-iest. I don’t really know where to go, and all my energy goes to convincing myself that’s okay.

Prom and Graduation Photobooomb

Posted on by under Uncategorized

Because I realised I’ve forgotten to upload any of this.. Prom was great, but mostly due to the whole dressing up part, apart from that it was mostly a dinner and then going to the club. Graduation – I don’t even know – it was probably the most intense day of my life and now it feels like a dream, but in a good way haha. Anyway, let the photobombing start.

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Aaaand the day of my graduation. I realised these pictures might seem a bit strange if you’re not familiar with the classic Swedish graduation traditions, but well just.. don’t.. question it.

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If you’re in school, believe me when I say it will be over in the blink of an eye. Enjoy it. (But also remember that then the rest of your life starts, and that.. is gonna be good)

Last dance

Posted on by under life

I don’t like endings.

There something special about being backstage. Too many lights and wires you’re not allowed to touch, your own little corner where you put your things, and the way you see the entire show being built up and practiced. And then the doors open, and for a few hours people get to see what you have been working on for weeks, months. And then the doors close and everything gets shut down and is no more. It’s not a painting or poem to keep. The performance only exists when you perform it, and then it’s forever gone.

I can usually look forward to do it all over again the next year, but now I graduate and have to quit just when I feel like I actually know everyone.

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So yeah, and I cried. Which was awkward, because my face gets completely red and I can’t hide it at all, and everyone get really surprised and slightly scared because I don’t usually cry and no one expects it from me. I wasn’t really that sad though. It’s just way too good, so when the curtains fall for the last time, I panic because it’s over it’s over it’s over.

Love

 

T minus 30 (days)

Posted on by under Artwork

 

5 things I’m stressed out over

  1. I’ve got no job for the summer. Because I was going to maybe be involved in this dance project, but then nothing happened.
  2. Well, I’ve got no plans for life at all pretty much (quite a lot of dreams though).
  3. in 30 days I graduate and I have a million things to do before then.
  4. In 30 days I’ll leave my class in school, my art class, my dance class, my christian school group, all these small communities that I’ve taken for granted.
  5. What if I fail doing everything I’ve ever wanted.

5 things I’m grateful for

  1. I have so many fun things ahead of me during these last few weeks.
  2. How a school class always becomes really social when everyone realises that this will end soon.
  3. This is such a beautiful and bittersweet time.
  4. That I haven’t let fear of uncertainty lead me to seek structure I do not want.
  5. What if I succeed.

Work in progress, the sort of thing it’s fun to be busy with.

 

Skies and sleep

Posted on by under life
Today I woke up twice, once at dawn and once at sunset. When I woke up in the morning everything smelt like rain. The sky was blue but the early sun reflected in dark grey clouds sinking to the horizon and everything was wet so I suppose it rained during the night.
     I went to school and found out that my only class was cancelled and went back home.
     I walked half an hour to take the bus to go to the dentist. I get on the bus in the middle of nowhere when I take that bus, so I walk away from my neighbourhood and further until I reach the motorway and walk in the tunnel underneath it and everything around me is green fields as long as I can see. I left my things at the bus stop on a long open road and ran away to pick the flowers I saw earlier, but when I was almost there I saw the bus coming over a hill and had to run back. I picked a small white flower outside the dentist office instead and it’s pressed between the pages of my notebook.
     When I got home I did the perfect four things that I know make me happy, but still rarely do; 1. Jog 2. Shower 3. Eat 4. Sleep. Without any distractions or pointless internet-browsing. So that’s why I woke up now in sunset again. At first I thought the sky was grey and that you could barely see the sun through the clouds. Then I just realised that it already had sunken right under the horizon and the sky was actually clear, but so devoid of colour that it was a light grey instead of blue. I lied in bed for a while, looked through my big windows. Picked up three different books and read a few pages of each.
     And now I’ve gone back inside for that pointless interest-browsing and some toast. Though writing is rarely pointless, I think. And maybe I should not despise my internet-browsing so much, because sometimes I rather have to convince myself to like the person I am at the computer to make me stop wasting time on it.
     Anyway. The sky is black when I walk back out. Stars and stars and stars above. It’s 29 days in school until our final grades are to be written into the system and then I graduate a few days later. And now life manages to be really calm and slow and stressful at the same time. Even though I’m excited for everything that comes after, it feels like I have an entire life to live until then. One of those eternities within eternities.

At the moment

Posted on by under life

I do not precisely love the place I’m in right now and find myself elsewhere in my mind, not just up in the clouds with my dreams and ideas, but somewhere else as in I like the future better than I like now. It’s a trap, and I know that, because future is just another name for the now that is to come and by hiding further into the future I’ll never reach it, sometimes I just have to remind myself that there’s always a purpose for me being right where I am now, and perhaps tomorrow I’ll be somewhere else.

Dancing

Posted on by under life

I’ve gotten a job as a dance teacher! It makes me jump out of happiness and stress out about the lessons I have to plan. But I’m happy, most of all I’m happy, so many people are on the lookout for jobs and I got one without even putting effort into looking, bonus that I get paid for something I’d probably do for free. Terrifies me though because I’ve got no idea what you can expect from different age groups? Guess I’ll figure it out.

Do you guys ever wish you were clearly defined by one of your hobbies? I wish I was a star dancer or famous artist or known writer, instead of just liking a little of each. Wish I’d started something when I was really young and then never quitted it. Have to remind myself of that every time I want to quit on of the hobbies I have now.