Taking a break from the Zambia Travel Diary to share some pictures of this autumn life I flew (blew) into.
My favourite thing about autumn is the air and the sky.
Category Archives: life
I don’t know if I’ve told you but..
I’m going to Zambia!! In a week actually, and now I’m feeling slightly stressed out because I have a ton of things to do. Also I feel like I have to take some time just longing for it since I love longing for stuff and that’s not something I can do later. Three weeks I’m gonna be away for and probably without any internet connection at all, so radio silence will probably occur for most of September. On the other hand I think I’ll have some pretty nice pictures and stories to share when I come back :))) (Wow, I think I’ve never used smileys on this blog before, is this the start of a new era??.) (No.) 
Some images of my attempt at packing and the sky and stuff.
Lack of school
For the first time in my life I don’t start school in the autumn. It’s weird, like one summer I just quit and didn’t come back. I can’t decide if that means my summer holiday is nonexistent – because I don’t have anything to take vacation from – or if it’s eternal. I would write more, but for some reason the words are running away from me. My thoughts want to stay in my head, or maybe I don’t know what I think. I’m scared, anyway. Terrified of the future, and whenever I tell someone my age, they say that they are too. That only sort of helps. I suppose the problem is that we don’t have any excuses left. We’re not stuck anymore. But we are. Stuck in our heads and stuck in the realisation that you need money for everything. Stuck in believing money is the necessary-iest. I don’t really know where to go, and all my energy goes to convincing myself that’s okay.
Vacation-ish
I’m happy now, which is nice. I’m at my grandmas summerhouse next to a lake and I got to sleep in the big glass room with all the plants. They only have candles out here. Candles and the strong scent of flowers I didn’t quite notice during the day. My body is itching with this, the need to get away, get out of places, maybe that’s why I’m happy to just fall asleep under a different roof, regardless of where I am. My wanderlust is so unpredictable, sometimes barely there and sometimes so strong that I get happy-sad just from talking about islands far away. Anyway, I’ve also been so fascinated with conversations lately. I’ve always been allergic to small talk, meaningless conversation, but I’ve realised I’ve got no clue what constitutes meaningless. A few days ago I went to pick up a friend at the airport, and on the way there I spoke for ages with another friend, conversations that might not always have been about the deepest stuff, but still were exactly the social interaction I needed. Today I spoke to someone else and I suppose the topics were sort of serious but I was just very bored. And this is no expected ’teenager bored of her family’ stuff, I just didn’t get anything out of it. Maybe it’s because the conversation was just different people speaking. It didn’t have any life in itself. Sometimes conversations soar and fly and run away to places you could never expect, and you get excited, because you want to catch up. And sometimes it’s just one person talking about something, and then someone else talking about something different. Don’t you want to spin on, dig deeper into the subject, speak fast or slow but have the sort of conversation that’s a journey instead of a silent destination? I love the run.
Sweet dreams (or happy mornings)
02.35
Look at these pictures and guess what time it is. 
Or well, I suppose the title kinda gives it away. But yeah, Swedish summer for you. Bright as day at 02.35 in the night. And it’s hard to go to bed when you’re in love with the night and can have it without darkness. Also, I love painting when the world is asleep.
Good night wishes to all of you. (And even those of you who dream best when you’re awake, don’t be like me and forget to sleep.)
Happy endings
I just handed in my last essay. 2 days to prom, 11 days til I graduate, and I have no more tests. No more essays. Quizzes, presentations.. it’s over. And what if I never study again? I don’t know where life’s gonna take me, but what if I don’t? Then I’m done. I can focus the rest of my life on doing what I want. I can learn because I want to and not because there’s a deadline tomorrow. So I’m just very excited and wanted to share it with you.
And my last blog post started off with me saying I don’t like endings. You know what? Sometimes I kinda do.
Completely irrelevant photo I took a while ago, because pictures just make every blog post nicer, even random rambling.
To the future and beyond (look forward to prom pictures!!).
Last dance
I don’t like endings.
There something special about being backstage. Too many lights and wires you’re not allowed to touch, your own little corner where you put your things, and the way you see the entire show being built up and practiced. And then the doors open, and for a few hours people get to see what you have been working on for weeks, months. And then the doors close and everything gets shut down and is no more. It’s not a painting or poem to keep. The performance only exists when you perform it, and then it’s forever gone.
I can usually look forward to do it all over again the next year, but now I graduate and have to quit just when I feel like I actually know everyone.
So yeah, and I cried. Which was awkward, because my face gets completely red and I can’t hide it at all, and everyone get really surprised and slightly scared because I don’t usually cry and no one expects it from me. I wasn’t really that sad though. It’s just way too good, so when the curtains fall for the last time, I panic because it’s over it’s over it’s over.
Love
Skies and sleep
Today I woke up twice, once at dawn and once at sunset. When I woke up in the morning everything smelt like rain. The sky was blue but the early sun reflected in dark grey clouds sinking to the horizon and everything was wet so I suppose it rained during the night.
I went to school and found out that my only class was cancelled and went back home.
I walked half an hour to take the bus to go to the dentist. I get on the bus in the middle of nowhere when I take that bus, so I walk away from my neighbourhood and further until I reach the motorway and walk in the tunnel underneath it and everything around me is green fields as long as I can see. I left my things at the bus stop on a long open road and ran away to pick the flowers I saw earlier, but when I was almost there I saw the bus coming over a hill and had to run back. I picked a small white flower outside the dentist office instead and it’s pressed between the pages of my notebook.
When I got home I did the perfect four things that I know make me happy, but still rarely do; 1. Jog 2. Shower 3. Eat 4. Sleep. Without any distractions or pointless internet-browsing. So that’s why I woke up now in sunset again. At first I thought the sky was grey and that you could barely see the sun through the clouds. Then I just realised that it already had sunken right under the horizon and the sky was actually clear, but so devoid of colour that it was a light grey instead of blue. I lied in bed for a while, looked through my big windows. Picked up three different books and read a few pages of each.
And now I’ve gone back inside for that pointless interest-browsing and some toast. Though writing is rarely pointless, I think. And maybe I should not despise my internet-browsing so much, because sometimes I rather have to convince myself to like the person I am at the computer to make me stop wasting time on it.
Anyway. The sky is black when I walk back out. Stars and stars and stars above. It’s 29 days in school until our final grades are to be written into the system and then I graduate a few days later. And now life manages to be really calm and slow and stressful at the same time. Even though I’m excited for everything that comes after, it feels like I have an entire life to live until then. One of those eternities within eternities.
Midnight snack
It’s always interesting to see what my past midnight personality will end up doing. Yesterday it was fudge.
Now, I don’t bake a lot. And not because I don’t enjoy cookies and pastries, but because I’m lazy as fu…dge. But after midnight my personality always turns a bit unpredictable. There’s a quote about this I think:
There. Over thinkers. Silent seekers. A nicer way to say that I turn a bit crazy. Here, another picture:
Kind of how my brain looked last night, if you would change the pictures of the universe to pictures of chocolate fudge. Actually how my brain looks now, because even thought I’m gonna post this tomorrow, it’s still 2 am now when I start to write this (obviously..). I’m gonna take some pictures of it tomorrow though, 2 am has got horrible lighting. Now I should probably go to bed.
2 am. See? Horrible lighting (And see how it’s kind of grainy in texture? Yeah, that’s because it’s mostly just sugar)
Next morning. So I ate most of it for breakfast and got a stomach ache. Difference between kid and adult life: now you’re responsible for your own candy intake and can’t whine about things like that.
Probably shouldn’t call it fudge, basically just a sugary, chocolate-y thing that tastes good with your cereal.
The recipe I used I found here: http://chefronlock.com/recipes/midnight-snack-quick-microwave-fudge/ My requirement when googling was that it hade to be something sweet and unhealthy, I had to have all the ingredients at home and I had to be able to make it in a few minutes. Since this recipe was awesome I might even add this to my list of Things I do after midnight when I should really be sleeping, along with eating pomegranate and drinking tea, drawing, dancing in the kitchen and taking long baths. Well.
Much love!
(Edit: Looking back at this post and seeing how little sense it made. Hah.)
We should cry sometimes
I’ve always thought that to be strong, you have to be able to smile regardless of what you’re feeling on the inside. I still think that. Put it on the list with all the other thoughts I can’t stop having even after I realise they’re not true.
I wonder if I was depressed last autumn. Probably not, because I know people who have gone through actual tough times, and it was not like that. I think? At least nobody noticed. Me included.
A lot of times when I cry it helps. Afterwards I can become almost giddy. Other times, it’s a really good cry, but I still feel a bit sad. It’s okay, it’s all okay now, but I’m just a bit sad.
eirians 