Tag Archives: life

Skies and sleep

Posted on by under life
Today I woke up twice, once at dawn and once at sunset. When I woke up in the morning everything smelt like rain. The sky was blue but the early sun reflected in dark grey clouds sinking to the horizon and everything was wet so I suppose it rained during the night.
     I went to school and found out that my only class was cancelled and went back home.
     I walked half an hour to take the bus to go to the dentist. I get on the bus in the middle of nowhere when I take that bus, so I walk away from my neighbourhood and further until I reach the motorway and walk in the tunnel underneath it and everything around me is green fields as long as I can see. I left my things at the bus stop on a long open road and ran away to pick the flowers I saw earlier, but when I was almost there I saw the bus coming over a hill and had to run back. I picked a small white flower outside the dentist office instead and it’s pressed between the pages of my notebook.
     When I got home I did the perfect four things that I know make me happy, but still rarely do; 1. Jog 2. Shower 3. Eat 4. Sleep. Without any distractions or pointless internet-browsing. So that’s why I woke up now in sunset again. At first I thought the sky was grey and that you could barely see the sun through the clouds. Then I just realised that it already had sunken right under the horizon and the sky was actually clear, but so devoid of colour that it was a light grey instead of blue. I lied in bed for a while, looked through my big windows. Picked up three different books and read a few pages of each.
     And now I’ve gone back inside for that pointless interest-browsing and some toast. Though writing is rarely pointless, I think. And maybe I should not despise my internet-browsing so much, because sometimes I rather have to convince myself to like the person I am at the computer to make me stop wasting time on it.
     Anyway. The sky is black when I walk back out. Stars and stars and stars above. It’s 29 days in school until our final grades are to be written into the system and then I graduate a few days later. And now life manages to be really calm and slow and stressful at the same time. Even though I’m excited for everything that comes after, it feels like I have an entire life to live until then. One of those eternities within eternities.

3 stages of life

Posted on by under life, Longer thoughts
  1. The dance hall is empty when I arrive. Silent except for the faint humming of the city and the ticking of the clock on the wall, the same sort as those they use in the classroom. Fooling us. Deceiving us. Tick tock, tick tock, as if anything actually exists. Sunshine through the windows, diminished by frosted glass, yet reflecting on the mirrors and creating blurry shapes of light on the wooden floor. Everything is beige and white and soft shades of pink in here. It’s nice, I think.
  2. It’s different after class. The slight nervousness I always get before teaching is gone, and so my head can’t stay as silently calm. The sunshine faded slowly and I didn’t realise how dark it was until I turned on the light and saw colours instead of shades. The city seems brighter though, clearer. Starting to dance. The colours flashing by my eyes when I close them are sharper.
  3. At a youth meeting tonight they spoke about the kingdom of Jesus and I almost teared up because home, I thought. Home. And tonight there was the aftermath of a full moon, the actual one must have been covered by the clouds for several nights. I looked up at it, small clouds rushing past. I didn’t even know, I thought. Somehow that meant something. When at midnight I walked home over frosty ice, light reflecting in piles of snow as tall as me, I thought the world was almost achingly beautiful. 

I start out normal and then I become so fucking strange.

(Song of the day: Anything by NEEDTOBREATHE on Spotify)

Like what

Posted on by under poetry
I hate myself and I love myself and I am my own worst enemy and everything I could ever adore. Half of the time I have no idea what I’m doing, meaning that I write this sentence not having a clue how to end it and maybe that way it will end up great and maybe that way it will just fade into nothing as the lack of plans mixed with my own fear of action makes me too comfortable with being still. It’s itching, my soul, constantly knocking against the inside of my skin and I turn around secretly and tell it ’hush’ because I am in school or at work or at home and I have no space left around me to explode in. The earth is turning beneath me. Spinning. Walls are vibrating with the sound from the TV in the room next to this, the fridge is humming and everything is making noise, creating soundtrack, making itself heard in a world were nobody listens because why on earth should we, except that it makes me feel alive and so I breathe in. Look out or lock myself in or observe and see and live and listen, to all and everything and nothing and I have no idea how I live or what I see and sometimes I’m collected but this very moment I’m shattered all over the world and I have no idea what I’m writing down on this computer in this room in this tiny huge world but it’s okay. That’s okay.

A day or two

Posted on by under life, selfies
I’ve realised that I rarely do the whole traditional blogging thing, when you talk about what you’re actually doing with your life. Mainly because whatever I write about I tend to mix in my emotions and feeling and just write a text on the topic. Like writing about how cozy markets are, instead of telling you that I went to one today. But I did. So.
It’s been a few quite nice days. School’s okay, just relatively boring yet somehow stressful. I had an english presentation yesterday which I kind of improvised, because I’d learned a lot about the topic but I hadn’t really written any keywords, meaning that I during the presentation constantly started sentences that I had no idea how to finish and tried to look relaxed while making confused faces in my head.
Also, I already had enough courses so I didn’t have to study maths this last term (swedish school system, it’s complicated), giving me a lot of free periods. Which I was so excited about, but do you know how difficult it is to actually get something done when having a free period? So I’ve spent quite some time procrastinating. As usual.
And okay, fast forward, because this was just going to be a short post. We have this annual market in my town this week and it’s cozy to see the transformation of our centre. It’s a lot of snow but today it was raining a bit despite the cold and we had to take a break from walking through the market just to sit inside of a café and get warm again, drinking hot chocolate. Oh, and I also bought donuts at the market, but they had run out of the ones with smarties, so they made completely fresh ones! Dipped them in melted chocolate and smarties so that it dripped and I got it all over my face when trying to eat, but it was pretty dang good. So yeah, I always feel like I’m boring when I write things like this, but hopefully you’ll survive. Oh, and I have some pictures too!
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Snow and sun is da best combination

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Hot chocolate with los friendos

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Bracelet I bought at the market, traditionally crafted and made out of reindeer horn with the Samian symbols for sun and moon (reminds me of that game of thrones quote..?)

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Aaaand a random picture of me looking a bit drugged

Surviving school (or not)

Posted on by under life

So yesterday I got ready for my first day at school. Clothes, breakfast, makeup.. only to get there and realise I didn’t have to go to my first class and could come back six hours later. Wandering home my heels made my feet ache and slip on the ice that was somehow still there even though the snow melted the day before, and I don’t think the sky ever turned bright. Back to school later and then back home. It wasn’t horrible. I met some nice people and stuff. And then I went to bed at like seven and thought I was gonna get up later and do everything I had to. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. I slept more than eleven hours. Something about school and the darkness and.. school just makes me want to sleep.

But this is my last term. Thank God, because I am so sick of this. I realised a while ago I chose the wrong subjects to study and that does not help the motivation. I got an awesome backpack for christmas and I just want to go away, travel the world.

But for now I’ll stay here and obviously survive and hopefully live. It’s not bad, it’s just too much of not what I would have chosen to do. And my backpack stands in the corner of my cabin like a promise.
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Drunk on feelings

Posted on by under poetry

I’m a drug addict, but instead of atoms you’ll find feelings injected in my veins, and I crave them. Crave them when I feel way to empty, and the longing after them might paradoxically be the strongest of them. I want to define them, ground them, put them down on pages and scream them out in words. Paint my skin with their colour and patterns and let the water in the watercolour paintings of them run down the walls. I’ve never considered myself a happy person, because I have this. Because when I’m far away from God I’m drowning. My heart can find no peace and so I climb the walls and tear at my skin and curse the laziness that just makes me want to sleep when my brain is to high to find any rest. I used to think I was controlled by my thoughts because I’m always thinking too much, but what I’m thinking about is now and always depending on what I’m feeling, with no rationality or logic to remind me that sadness or joy is temporary. I’m an addict because my feelings control me way to much and I love them.

Update!

Posted on by under life

So the keyboard on my computer broke down! And so I had to send it in to be fixed but it’s back now and so am I. It’s that time of the year where every second of every day is taken up by something you should do, two weeks packed with national tests, oral presentations, dance lessons nearly every day, an animated movie I have to make and a few more things. I hate it and absolutely love it. And when I finish that movie I have to make I’ll probably upload it to youtube so I’ll link it from here. It’s my astronomy project and the title is Science – fiction and non-fiction. So anyway, now that I’m back I will, well hopefully post here every day, muchos hugs to everyone.