I just want to create stuff and get enough sleep. I want the contrasts, the darkness of the world and the brightest soul humanly possible. I want the world and I want to get out of it, be more than it to be able to look down at what it really is. I want late swedish summer evenings, when the sun doesn’t set and I can sit next to my big window painting in the light from it. I want to travel the world and I do not want to own my own heart. I want to be no one and I want to be the person everyone dreams to become. Freedoms lies in the traces of my decisions, rests in the way my heart could never be locked in a city to long, and belongs in the wilderness of nature and the love that makes me run.
Tag Archives: freedom
No media before breakfast
I’m trying this out. I’ve always hated mornings with a burning passion and it bothers me that they’re so necessary, that the start of the day shapes the rest of it. Not completely, but I wish it had zero impact. To me, the point of the No media before breakfast rule is to start out stable. We hear so much, listen to so much and choose to look at so much without caring as much about not letting it be the ruler of us. Not caring about how much impact it has on us. I want to start the day off knowing who I am, knowing who God is and just enjoy reality for a while. Then I allow myself to escape it, but I always try to love reality the most. Because when I don’t, it wrecks me. When I don’t, I just spiral down further into the unrealistic dream of actually managing to escape reality. But we can’t. And reality is where I find the actual happiness anyway, the type that is free from pain.
Let me breathe
The world is collapsing in on me, suffocating me and pressing me down, collapsing me in on myself. I spend too much time in the presence of only my own simple being, and my latest theory, the one that I came up with on the bus on my way home, is that it’s ruining me. It’s breaking me because it’s making my world smaller. I realized that I haven’t been out of the house without reason for a long time. I make my way to school, I make my way to the bus and back from the bus and a few times every day I go out to my house, since I live in a little cabin in our backyard. And every time I go there, I take a few seconds to just stand in our garden and look up at the clouded sky. And I never realized that I need more of that, it’s droplets when I crave rivers.
Today it’s hate-weather, the type that makes my friends sigh, but I suddenly realized the freedom of it. The sky is clouded but the spring is closing in and the days aren’t as dark anymore. Small drops of rain are falling from the sky, but it’s fresh. And I suddenly realized that I need a freaking walk. I need to leave my headphones at home and just walk through the forest. And I realized that I like this weather because the world feels so empty. Empty, yet open. I need to go outside of all the things we humans have built for ourselves and I need to make the world feel like mine and let nature feel like I belong to it. I need to breathe.
Minimalism
I’ve read a lot about minimalism lately and it has seriously sparked my interest. Not as related to design, but as a lifestyle of owning less, so that less of your affection will be aimed at your belongings. Owning less so that it won’t be your focus, so that you’ll have less things that own you.
Now, imagine being able to fit everything you own into a few suitcases, imagine the freedom of being able to go anywhere you want and taking your home with you.
Though I would make an exception for my books. I guess that if you go all out you should give them away and instead retort to the nearest library, but that’s just one of those things I don’t at all have the desire to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love the library and used to never buy books, but now when I got myself a decent collection of the favourites I continually re-read, I like the way they look laying around in my room. Piled on top of small tables and on the floor with teacups balancing on top of them.
I get the point of a smaller wardrobe. Buy fewer but higher quality and perhaps more expensive pieces that will last and even make you look better, making it easier to choose your outfit in the morning and makes you spend less time worrying about how you look. I get the point of getting rid of things you just keep because you relate them to certain memories. I will keep my diaries and my photos, but that’s about all I need.
But I do not have any desires to get rid of my books. I could leave them with my relatives or someone I know instead. I could travel the world and go seek my safety with people instead of possessions, but whenever I move somewhere, whenever I settle down long enough buy a bed overlooking whatever cityscape or view of the landscape I have, then I will want them there to stack my teacups on.
France
So, tomorrow I’m off travelling! Heading to France for a few days, to visit a friend in Aix en Provence and it’s the first time ever I’m flying somewhere on my own. So if this blog is suddenly and mysteriously abandoned, I’ve probably crashed, been kidnapped, stepped on the wrong plane or something else along those lines. Just giving you a heads up. 
Seriously though, look at this place!? I’m there to visit my friend, but her living in a beautiful french town is quite a bonus. And I love travelling, especially going places on my own, it’s terrifying and exhilarating how everything depends on me and I feel like it’s a test, a shot at seeing how it is to walk the earth alone. Not belonging anywhere except for on the ground I stand on in that second. And then there’s the contrast of going to visit someone, where you suddenly put all your trust in that person, who’s the only one who actually knows the language and the people there. Trust her to take care of everything. And we’re gonna have the best of times. 
Runner
You told me how I always fell in love with cars and not with houses, looked at a backpack with a smile but at a bookshelf with an aching heart. I was always going. I’m a runner and a poet, life pulls me in different directions. Keeps me going and makes my heart want to stay with what I find. I can look out the window of a bus and get the sudden urging need to remember every tree I see, to sit down under every single one and have picnic and the best day of my life. You don’t have to go far, and we don’t have to run, but I have to keep moving so that as many things as possible in this universe get the attention they deserve.
eirians 