Author Archives: Eirians

Procrastination and self doubt

Posted on by under Longer thoughts

I never quite realized the connection between those two, procrastination and self doubt. I guess it’s obvious though, self-doubt; as in believing (or not) that you can do it, and procrastination; as in doing it (or not). I suppose I’ve just always seen myself as so confident. In a way not, because I was always the shy little kid, but still, because I was the one who didn’t want to hang out with them, because whenever people didn’t like me, my unconscious though process went: Wow, what’s wrong with them? Always them, never me, and I’ve always thought that was the main difference between confident and non confident people. Either you think Wow what’s wrong with them, when they don’t like you, or you think Wow, what did I suddenly do right? when they do.

Childhood stories and my unsuccessful try at psychology aside, I’ve kind of realized that I’ve always thought of myself as the complete opposite to self doubting (okay, not really psychology aside). So to the point that even when I do doubt myself, I don’t realize it. I don’t realize that the reason behind sudden dips in my mood might be a sudden disbelief in myself. And now, looking back, I wonder how many times that’s happened without me even noticing it.

Now, though, it has showed up in my homework. My ability (well, disability) to get it done. The school I’m in now is so much tougher, the people I hang out spends about 37,8 % of their time worrying about their grades, and I think that’s getting to me. Me always agreeing that yeah, the tasks are impossible, when I used to honestly believe that I could be fine with studying to a test for about one hour. But you can’t just say that to people that it wouldn’t work for. And let’s not blame this only on that development, because I don’t know (and don’t want to know) where my grades would have ended up without those extra few hours of studying, but now I’m one of the people never doing things, until the point where I stop believing I can. Or maybe that’s the reason why I’m not doing it, I don’t even know.

I’ve postponed my essays because I don’t think I could write them if I tried, not because I think I don’t need to spend that much time on them. But I’ve noticed that the big, tremendous difference lies in how I look at the blinking cursor. And looking at it while thinking about how good I am at this, trying to scare my self doubt away to the dark corners of my brain, and then starving it back to death, is how I’ve written this post. So now I’m gonna go try it on some homework.

Never settle for less than the best

Posted on by under Longer thoughts

Several of my closest friends have done things similar to this, and I hate it. It annoys me to no end. They settle down with people they think they kinda like. Settle down might be a slight exaggeration, but they think that’s enough. It’s like an article I read recently, that told you to marry the equivalent of your best friend, not of the colleague you can have a beer with after work. They settle with people that aren’t the best. And this is nothing negative to their beloved ones, because this has got nothing to do with those, but is instead about the way they work together. They shouldn’t settle for someone they don’t feel enough for.

Psychologists scare me

Posted on by under notes

Perhaps because as every other person, I like to believe that I make my own choices. I don’t want someone looking at me and immediately know how the puzzle falls together, how my family relations and childhood shaped me until who I am today. Like anyone, I want to believe that the choices I made were my own and not the result of a predictable pattern.

How to follow through

Posted on by under Longer thoughts

When I really want something I’m almost afraid of saying it out loud. It goes with things I want to quit, want to start or want to be really successful in. But I’ve noticed that it doesn’t work like that and that it destroys my goals rather than builds them. As human beings we need community, we need to share and show and talk about things and I want to shout at God for creating us that way at the same time as I want to thank him.

I want to be able to do everything by myself. I really do. But lately I’ve told a few people about a few things that were really important to me. Some of them I never even realized I’d kept as secrets, while some of them were things I’d thought I’d never tell a living soul. And that’s the only thing that worked. Things I’ve thought about quitting for years, my secret dreams of what I would really like to do when I quit school and grow up. If there is one thing I’ve heard way to many times, it is that you should share goals you really want to keep. With family, friends, or someone on the internet. But it was one of those quotes I never thought applied to me until I noticed that it really does.

Writing

Posted on by under notes

I write because I’m terrified of forgetting. Because everything that happens to us – every experience, every emotion – and even things that don’t, things that just passes through our minds for mere moments, it will all sink into nothingness. Become a piece of the past, and the past itself is something that doesn’t exist. It did, but not anymore. And when I write, it’s like I chain those moments to reality. I think writers should be called heroes because they save.

At the moment

Posted on by under life

I do not precisely love the place I’m in right now and find myself elsewhere in my mind, not just up in the clouds with my dreams and ideas, but somewhere else as in I like the future better than I like now. It’s a trap, and I know that, because future is just another name for the now that is to come and by hiding further into the future I’ll never reach it, sometimes I just have to remind myself that there’s always a purpose for me being right where I am now, and perhaps tomorrow I’ll be somewhere else.