I hate myself and I love myself and I am my own worst enemy and everything I could ever adore. Half of the time I have no idea what I’m doing, meaning that I write this sentence not having a clue how to end it and maybe that way it will end up great and maybe that way it will just fade into nothing as the lack of plans mixed with my own fear of action makes me too comfortable with being still. It’s itching, my soul, constantly knocking against the inside of my skin and I turn around secretly and tell it ’hush’ because I am in school or at work or at home and I have no space left around me to explode in. The earth is turning beneath me. Spinning. Walls are vibrating with the sound from the TV in the room next to this, the fridge is humming and everything is making noise, creating soundtrack, making itself heard in a world were nobody listens because why on earth should we, except that it makes me feel alive and so I breathe in. Look out or lock myself in or observe and see and live and listen, to all and everything and nothing and I have no idea how I live or what I see and sometimes I’m collected but this very moment I’m shattered all over the world and I have no idea what I’m writing down on this computer in this room in this tiny huge world but it’s okay. That’s okay.
Tag Archives: write
A day or two
I’ve realised that I rarely do the whole traditional blogging thing, when you talk about what you’re actually doing with your life. Mainly because whatever I write about I tend to mix in my emotions and feeling and just write a text on the topic. Like writing about how cozy markets are, instead of telling you that I went to one today. But I did. So.
It’s been a few quite nice days. School’s okay, just relatively boring yet somehow stressful. I had an english presentation yesterday which I kind of improvised, because I’d learned a lot about the topic but I hadn’t really written any keywords, meaning that I during the presentation constantly started sentences that I had no idea how to finish and tried to look relaxed while making confused faces in my head.
Also, I already had enough courses so I didn’t have to study maths this last term (swedish school system, it’s complicated), giving me a lot of free periods. Which I was so excited about, but do you know how difficult it is to actually get something done when having a free period? So I’ve spent quite some time procrastinating. As usual.
And okay, fast forward, because this was just going to be a short post. We have this annual market in my town this week and it’s cozy to see the transformation of our centre. It’s a lot of snow but today it was raining a bit despite the cold and we had to take a break from walking through the market just to sit inside of a café and get warm again, drinking hot chocolate. Oh, and I also bought donuts at the market, but they had run out of the ones with smarties, so they made completely fresh ones! Dipped them in melted chocolate and smarties so that it dripped and I got it all over my face when trying to eat, but it was pretty dang good. So yeah, I always feel like I’m boring when I write things like this, but hopefully you’ll survive. Oh, and I have some pictures too!
Snow and sun is da best combination
Hot chocolate with los friendos
Bracelet I bought at the market, traditionally crafted and made out of reindeer horn with the Samian symbols for sun and moon (reminds me of that game of thrones quote..?)
Aaaand a random picture of me looking a bit drugged
When you have no one else who can say this to you, let me
You are not strange or normal or different or anything else that is not a description of you but a comparison to something and anyone and anything else. Do not get stuck in yourself believing that you are you and the world is the world, but remember that you are you and someone else is someone else, and the world is just a temporary home for a bunch of people at least as screwed up as you are (because God help me, do we need help). We’re not meant to do this alone so find someone who can pull pieces from the darkness and show you the light of being a part of this terrifying place, even though that means knowing that no one actually is. We’re outstanding, a species consisting of individuals existing within their own heads. Generation after generation, all believing they’re as alone in their thoughts and opinions and feelings as we think we are. Just be. And know that someone else is too.
(find someone in the sea of faces)
Summer
I never used to like summer. It was too bright and too much and the sun kept bouncing of the pages in my books so that I had to go in or find a place in the shadow for it not to blind me. But now, now I’m a battery, constantly waiting for the sun to recharge me and warm my heart up enough for me to survive those long winter months, full of cold and never relaxing muscles. I think it’s a pity that we have to sleep. Were that not the case, I could see it all, stay up between sunset and dawn when it’s never really dark anyway because the sun may drop beneath the horizon, but never far enough that its light doesn’t still reflect on the cold sky. My creativity is fading though. Because I’m happy and some part of me doesn’t need the words flowing out of me at the moment, so I force them because it’s times like this I actually want to know how I feel.
Drunk on feelings
I’m a drug addict, but instead of atoms you’ll find feelings injected in my veins, and I crave them. Crave them when I feel way to empty, and the longing after them might paradoxically be the strongest of them. I want to define them, ground them, put them down on pages and scream them out in words. Paint my skin with their colour and patterns and let the water in the watercolour paintings of them run down the walls. I’ve never considered myself a happy person, because I have this. Because when I’m far away from God I’m drowning. My heart can find no peace and so I climb the walls and tear at my skin and curse the laziness that just makes me want to sleep when my brain is to high to find any rest. I used to think I was controlled by my thoughts because I’m always thinking too much, but what I’m thinking about is now and always depending on what I’m feeling, with no rationality or logic to remind me that sadness or joy is temporary. I’m an addict because my feelings control me way to much and I love them.
Artists dream
I just want to create stuff and get enough sleep. I want the contrasts, the darkness of the world and the brightest soul humanly possible. I want the world and I want to get out of it, be more than it to be able to look down at what it really is. I want late swedish summer evenings, when the sun doesn’t set and I can sit next to my big window painting in the light from it. I want to travel the world and I do not want to own my own heart. I want to be no one and I want to be the person everyone dreams to become. Freedoms lies in the traces of my decisions, rests in the way my heart could never be locked in a city to long, and belongs in the wilderness of nature and the love that makes me run.
How to get inspired
I want to sparkle. Not in a twilighty, Edward Cullen kind of way but I feel a bit boring, a bit tired and empty, the corners of my mouth turned down in something else than artistic sadness. I’ve lost my inspiration and I’m thinking about what to do to get it back.
- Dance. Which I just did, and it kinda helped.
- Go for a walk. Man, it’s raining outside and it’s the perfect weather for running around on the empty streets like you just don’t care.
- Create anyways. Well I’m writing now, am I not.
- Love people. My flaw. Or well, the flaw lies in me not wanting to be around people at all times. And not now. But I do need them, I always need them to make me happy.
- Log out of the freakin’ computer. So I will.
How to live now (or Thoughts from the gym – a treadmill lesson)
Why is it so much easier working out in a gym than it is to put on those workout clothes at home? To me it’s partly because the gym makes me feel awfully cool. But there’s something else to.
When I go cross-country skiing for more than perhaps 20 kilometers, I always have this problem with breathing. And so I break down. And my tactic to get back up again is to focus on what is going on at the exact moment. Look ahead of me, but keep all of my attention at what my body is doing and not on the road that’s still to go.
I think that’s the reason I like the treadmill. I am always right there, I can never put my eyes on the road 20 meters away and think about how much it’s going to take to get me there. I do love running outside but it’s harder for me.
The same lesson applies to life. Focus on the now and you’ll get a future, focus on the future and you’ll live your entire life in something that’s not happening. Start everyday with thinking through what you have to do, then sort out the things you can actually do today from all the things that perhaps needs to be done tomorrow or the day after that. Then push the things you’re not gonna do today out of your mind. Do not worry about them until their time comes. Stop resting the world on your shoulders and stop procrastinating.
Take a deep breath and do what you need to do today.
Brighter life and longer days studying on a roof
The weather is changing and my world with it, there’s something about the light that makes me productive. And today my only homework is to spend one hour reading Jane Eyre, worse things have happened and I think I might climb up my roof and read there until the sun starts to set.
Had a freakin’ math test today that went okay, one lesson more and then the school day was over so we went to the gym for a while. Everyone at our school got a free entrance to a gym nearby for two weeks so that’s awesome. And then we went out and ate, my friend’s birthday is tomorrow so we had ordered a cake with a photo of her that she absolutely hate on, day couldn’t have gone better. And now I’ll have some time to do things I actually enjoy. I’m gonna start with running around barefoot, man I missed that.
So anyway, here are some pictures from yesterday, sitting on my roof and studying for that freakin’ math test.
No media before breakfast
I’m trying this out. I’ve always hated mornings with a burning passion and it bothers me that they’re so necessary, that the start of the day shapes the rest of it. Not completely, but I wish it had zero impact. To me, the point of the No media before breakfast rule is to start out stable. We hear so much, listen to so much and choose to look at so much without caring as much about not letting it be the ruler of us. Not caring about how much impact it has on us. I want to start the day off knowing who I am, knowing who God is and just enjoy reality for a while. Then I allow myself to escape it, but I always try to love reality the most. Because when I don’t, it wrecks me. When I don’t, I just spiral down further into the unrealistic dream of actually managing to escape reality. But we can’t. And reality is where I find the actual happiness anyway, the type that is free from pain.
eirians 