I’ve always been more motivated by what I don’t want than by what I do want.

This fear has served me well. It has sent me out of the ordinary, out of where I don’t want to be. I think about the Twenty pilots song Leave the city that admits to not knowing where you’ll end up, or Brené Browns book Braving the wilderness, about leaving our clearly pronounced structures and stern belief systems.

And it reminds me of what a lot of people seem to be going through at the moment, or have been going through for a while. Churches, ministries, or just people. We know we’re not exactly where we should be, and so we lay things down, move out, take the first step in trust even if we don’t know where we’ll end up. The wilderness, or trench, as Twenty One Pilots call it, is scary, because it’s where we don’t have all the answers. And now we’re out here, not knowing the answers. 

It’s made me to think about my competitiveness. If you’ll stay with me for a moment:
I’m extremely competitive. Always have been. But it’s much more important to me to not lose, than it is to win. It’s bad, I think. People motivated by winning and succeeding will do anything for it, they’re fighters and victors. But for me: if there’s a chance I’ll lose I might not even want to try in the first place.

This is obvious in other parts of my life as well. I’m very motivated by what I don’t want. What kind of life I don’t want, what I don’t want to do, who I don’t want to be. The most motivating sentence to me has always been: “But what if I’m not?” in response to “What if I’m too scared to do all the things I’ve ever wanted.” My point: I am fully aware of what I’m moving away from.

Too aware.

Truth is, anyone can be a rebel. And our courage has served us well. So has our eagerness to obey God, to move out into uncertainty. But I’ve been out in the wilderness for a while now, and the problem with it not being a place for answers is that there still seems to be no answers. And so what I’ve decided is this: There comes a moment, out in the dust – with that city looming in the background – when we have to stop looking back at what we left and turn our heads to where we want to go. 

It is time to stop being motivated by what we don’t want and start being motivated by what we do want. If it hasn’t yet, the looking back, the awareness of what you don’t want, will make you desperate. What takes actual maturity is to look forward. To make a choice and move towards it. To be brave enough for what you want, even if you think you don’t know (Which, you do, you actually do, otherwise you wouldn’t have left that other place behind. It might just not be in the shape you think a dream should be.) Grow up, look forward. Maybe it’s a mirage, that city you see in the distance, I can’t promise that it’s not. There’s no way to see from this distance.

But I know you’ll never know if you don’t start moving towards it. 

Grace over Ability

Observation: When I don’t feel fully alright with God, I start getting annoyed when someone at work is better at something than I am.

Why is that?
Because when I’m not feeling well I start trusting my own performance. Or rather, as soon as I look away from God I start trusting it. Parts of Gods wisdom we can recieve in our lives and it just becomes logical; we learn sentences or behaviour and its absorbed into our lives. Other people can as well, not even knowing where it comes from. But grace can not continue without Him.
1. You need it anew every day.
2. It is not built on logic.
If you turn to your own brain it will draw its own conclusions. Grace is not in ourselves, not in us by ourselves. Look at it. (Keep looking at it.) Set your eyes straight.

All Good Things Are Wild and Free

I stayed behind yesterday. We went downtown to have a photoshoot and I stayed when my friends went back. I walked around in that detached-from-reality kind of way and looked at how the city I stay in looks like a postcard. Clear skies and shiny metal buildings and palms and palms and palms, sun that makes your face melt off.



Then I sat down on the rocks and was happy.

And this might sound sad, but I loved going to a sea that wasn’t full of memories. In Sweden it’s tiny towns and cozy houses and driftwood, people with wrinkles too deep, an ocean that slowly breaks everything. Here everything just is. No childhood memories. Just sturdy rocks and people dancing.


The bridge before I ran over it.


The bridge after I ran over it, resting on a bench in the shade. My face was so red people gave me worried glances when they saw me.


My postcard wish is that you don’t send me home.

(Also, backstage from the photoshoot..:



2016.01.01 Message to Myself

Stop being scared. Stop that subconscious second guessing when you freeze and walk around and just let your thoughts crawl around like ants but never becoming something. Stop being indecisive because you’re not at a creative peak. You don’t feel it. Sit down. Do it anyway. Remember this, remember this, even though I know you won’t, even though I know I’ll have to write it again, a hundred times a hundred ways, all through life reminding you of what you know, repeating what’s been said, don’t you know it’s all we are? Don’t you know it’s all we do? So if you choose, and get to do so, so if you create and corrupt and empty your veins and pour
     then you’re one of those repeaters. Say it until you listen. Say it until the world listens. And then say it again.

You Will Get What You Want

And you can call that karma or a result of good goal setting or the grace of God, but that desire inside will claw at you until it gets out, you will fail and fall but the itch in your guts won’t stop and so you’ll continue.

The problem is that you have to really want it. Do you want that body more than you want a relaxed day in from of the computer? Do you want to write or do you just want something written to brag about? Do you actually want to be successful or do you just want the money that follows? Humans are passionate creatures, and we pour water to build our waves of success until they become uncontrollable and break and drag you with them, but you have to get there. You have to know that you will let go of it, but then you will come back, because you have no choice. You will get what you really want, you will get results in whatever it is that your inner being can’t stop doing, can’t stop being.

Zambia Travel Diary – Day 7-8

2015.09.12 20.04 We haven’t had electricity all day so we went out for lunch. I had some fruit salad thing with yoghurt and honey, because when your parents pay you might as well.IMG_2941

I’ve thought about sensitivity today. In the way you use the word when describing personalities. I pick up others’ feelings so easily, as if I constantly go around just waiting for something to exchange my own ones with. Or like I have no guard, just let it change me. I thought about it because I can get so annoyed with people who complain a lot and really radiate that they’re unhappy or irritated. And usually it’s not their fault, fault is such a flawed concept, it’s just that they don’t work like that and might just need to say what they think even though they might not feel it very strongly. And maybe it’s something I haven’t thought about because I take for granted that everyone is like me, and so it turns into the height of egoism, to constantly go around putting people down. And maybe part of why I dislike conflict so much, I can’t inflict pain without hurting.

Completely unrelated, but because the power’s off we’ve been introduced to our housemates; the cockroaches. It presents the perfect test of relationships, killing cockroaches. Something I would like to do with a possible future husband. When everyone’s a bit irritated with each other and someone feels something in their hair and you scream and don’t know who’s gonna koll it or who’s gonna have the few flashlights you own. I’m not even kidding. I’m curious. Would you kill the person with the spray that’s made for the insects? Then they probably weren’t made for you anyway. In all seriousness though, I’m gonna stop writing now, it feels like the light attracts the bugs.

2015.09.13 21.53 I really want to go to sleep, so I’m just gonna do a quick recap of the day in list form, since that feels faster.

  • This morning I actually remembered my glasses, and the outfit combined made me look like a pretentious hipster. My dad confirmed that by saying I looked like someone who could sit and read at a café in New York.
  • We spent 7 hours in the car, heading from Lusaka to Livingstone and the Victoria Falls. We bought sugar canes as a snack along the way. Also, when we stopped to eat sandwiches, someone jumped off their bike and just stood a few metres from us, watching us eat. We’re like exotic animals.
  • The hotel we stay at is amazing, I like it here. But when pulling my shirt up to see what was itching I realised that I have red rashes all over my upper body. I’ve been feeling weird the whole day, so I think it’s just heat rashes because my body hates me and is always either too warm or too cold, but I’ll have to look it up when I get home and see if there’s something I can do about it. (Edit: I haven’t)

Driving through Zambia

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Buying sugar canes

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