Through one of our apartment windows fell a square of golden light. There were rain drops on the window, and a dark grey sky overhead, but at the edge of the horizon there was a sliver of bright sky, and in the midst of it the sun shone brightly into the hooded windows of our loft. I had to take the trash out, so I did, but halfway down the stairs the sun didn’t shine in through the windows anymore, having already dipped too close to the horizon and our neighbouring building hid it, and so I was scared that I would not be able to see it again and stand there and look at it while it set like I’d planned. And so I think that’s what it’s like with nature, you can’t see a beautiful evening sky and think that you’re gonna paint it later, you have to drop everything you’re holding and do it right now. There is no procrastination in nature, only time for different things. Right now the grey has lifted, and even though the sun has set the sky is still bright blue, and the lines of clouds golden.
(Also I did make it, when I walked upstairs again the sun waited for me on the fourth floor, and on our fifth it still shone through the kitchen window.)
A few days ago I took a 20 hour train ride from my hometown in Sweden, to Nürnberg, Germany.
Some trains were full, some empty. The last train was from 4.30 til 9 in the morning, from Hamburg to Nürnberg, and that did not look like the picture below. It was overbooked, so I got woken up three times by people saying I was in their seat. In the end I sat in the corridor. But all in all, everything went well. All the connections worked and I didn’t get stuck in some random german small town in the middle of the night, which was my biggest fear to be honest.
And I managed to somehow fit my fluffiest duvet in my suitcase, which was really all that mattered. And now I guess I live here in Nürnberg. Like really live, since I have my duvet with me. Sheets and towels and even my fairy lights. My room is dreamy. I’ll show you sometime.
My mum got me a golden, glittery box, like I’m seven and in school all over again. (Except that my mum would never have done that when I was seven? It’s great to reach the age where your parents feel nostalgia spending money on you.) Anyway, the point of the box is that the golden glitter looks exactly like my glittery turtleneck, and it matches the golden stars on my nails. I love it.
The photo doesn’t do it justice of course, but believe me, it was just a good moment.
Update: there are paper cranes balanced on the box now. I’m gonna use it to for stuff I want to put in my letters.
“Hey,” my friend texts me, “I’m 10 minutes away, do you want to go with me and swim in the rain?” ❤️
In other words: Summer has arrived. Really really. I go to bed after the sun has just dipped below the horizon and is rising again. The birds start singing at 2 am. (This makes me happy.)
The more you think about something (after you’ve let the ideas bloom and bloom and bloom in your mind), the more you’ll start finding the ways of making it simple again. Here are the thoughts of this summer.
(The Nature of a Lifespan)
Death – When our fear of death is bigger than our fear of God, we worry about our time running out.
Questions – Questions are not made to have eloquent answers, but for us to keep wondering around something, they’re structure for construction, suggest that the theme of life is “ongoing”.
Buildings – The clear and well executed visions are nice buildings, but concepts that contain questions build (keep building) skyscrapers.
Doors – You put a door in a wall, not for the sake of the door being pretty, but to be able to move somewhere else. Doors exist not for themselves, but just lead you to a new place.
Death – Not for itself, it just leads you to a new place.
(Yesterday, borrowing my roommates car.)
I’ve had too many days
In these last few days
To write about all of them.
I was thinking about it a few weeks ago, when we went to Walmart in the middle of the night to buy things for a friend’s birthday. That’s crazy! It was an adventure, such a day, such a whole day and night to write about. Maybe I’m too excited, or actually I don’t care if I’m too excited, joy belongs to the people too excited. But then the next day something new happened, and I never did write.
My life feels full of those days lately.
(And that’s good. I document things that are rare.)
I am the master of sleeping the whole day, but I can’t do it when my life is just an open undefined un-planned white void of a future when I look at it in my head. So I have to make plans. Lately I’ve been making really detailed schedules. I don’t want to feel like I have to do that every day, but it’s good. Also there’s that leaf I picked while I was out biking and longboarding (between 10 and 10.30 am).
And here’s a cozy picture from last week, when my friend asked if we should drive to the national park closeby, bring a thermos with tea and watch the sunset. Life is v autumnal.
Today was the last day of my job. And it was horribly sad. But there’s also nothing that makes you feel so appreciated. I need to remember things people said and how groups of people all ran and hugged me, and how much I care for them all. In the afternoon we had the yearly school race, and I walked around the track as the kids ran, giving them all high fives and hugs.
Then my friend came and we went to Sannamarken, which is a market and basically the biggest event in the town where I (used to) teach. We tried to find all the places where you could try stuff for free. Marmalade and cheese and candy. I got to see basically all of my students again. We bought cozy socks, and she won me a stuffed animal, and I won one for her. We’re not very good at things like that though, so we won small pink fishes instead of cute teddy bears, but that’s okay. Also we met some really tall guys.
Today I woke up at six and was out the door before seven. I do like the concept of morning walks, but I don’t feel the need to prolong them, can’t let my mind sing to the beat of footsteps the way it does at night. I’m too aware. But that means I don’t need a lot of time. I walked along the bike lanes through the forest and I saw the white clouded sky and wet green trees, felt a few drops of water. I stuffed my hands in my pockets, thinking that this was the perfect prelude to a warm bath.
The thing is, I haven’t been to work since monday. I’m stressed out and have had some breakdowns over the weeks. I feel a weird mixture of feelings I haven’t quite figured out yet and maybe that bothers me the most. It’s not that I don’t like it, and I love the kids, but it’s been a bit too much and I just can’t handle it. I’ve decided that I will continue though, like it was said, until christmas.
I don’t feel strange being home, just normal again. At times I stress out because I feel like I need to use the time to do more, but I’ve still had some good days. Yesterday my friend came over and we went with our longboards out on the empty roads in the night, where there were no streetlights so everything was a grey/black blur. I felt like someone else, wearing a grey hoodie and converse. Then we went sunbathing on my driveway, like we usually do. With our longboards as pillows stars floated in and out of vision as clouds covered them and moved. As people walked by on the street we tried and failed not to laugh.
September 23rd 2016