Tag Archives: creating

The shame of having to try

Posted on by under Longer thoughts, writing

Why are we ashamed of effort? Or is this just me?

I was watching a video where this girl talks about preparing for a preaching. She was going to talk for about 35 minutes at a conference, and she prepared for it a whole year. First just by keeping it in the back of her mind, but later by starting the actual, practical preparation. She felt like she was supposed to talk about the Bible, which is kind of a big topic. So she spent hours researching, looking at different overviews and thinking about ways to put the whole story into her short teaching. She got up extra early, stayed up extra late, and fell asleep while reading. She preached the story for friends and family to get feedback before landing in the final product, the best way to express what she wanted to say.

And all I could think was: That’s a bit embarrassing. I wonder if the other speakers put in that much effort. And if I did that, I wonder if I would tell everyone I did, or if I’d say ”Ahh I just threw it together, it wasn’t that much work.”

It’s a bit of a subconscious thought pattern, but I was wondering why those thoughts do come up. Why do I feel some kind of second hand embarrassment over someone putting effort into something?

If I give someone a gift, I always act as if it’s not a big deal. As if it’s just a second hand thought. To make sure they don’t feel bad. But why, is that not just a bit rude?

And when doing things, I think my brain naturally plans according to me putting the least effort possible into something. “How quickly could I get this done?” I think it’s leftover thoughts from school, back when I needed to schedule homework and study for tests. “Okay, if I write that in three days, spend a week studying for that, and plan for that presentation the night before, I’ll have time for everything”. But it’s become a bad habit. And the problem is that when I’ve started to think like that, it’s difficult to put in more time than what I’ve calculated for something. If I have a task due in a month and know I could do it in three days, it’s not like I’m gonna do it right now.

It’s practical, to be able to evaluate approximately how much time something will take. But I was thinking, when listening to that woman talk about her preaching, that I should also spend a lot more time on things. When I can at least, and I usually can. And I should care more, or rather admit that I care. Always, so much. There are journalists who follow stories for years, painters who spend hours on the smallest little corner of a painting, people who spend weeks preparing for a dinner party that then passes and turns into a memory. I love that.

So, my thought for this new year (kind of new year, I’m not accepting that it’s almost February already) is this: Let’s care more. Let’s put months of preparation into small artworks, or speeches, or moments. Let’s be overly attentive, overly loving, more than trustworthy. Instead of thinking, how can I get this done in the fastest way possible, think: how can I get it done the slowest? What would that look like?

2016.01.01 Message to Myself

Posted on by under notes
Stop being scared. Stop that subconscious second guessing when you freeze and walk around and just let your thoughts crawl around like ants but never becoming something. Stop being indecisive because you’re not at a creative peak. You don’t feel it. Sit down. Do it anyway. Remember this, remember this, even though I know you won’t, even though I know I’ll have to write it again, a hundred times a hundred ways, all through life reminding you of what you know, repeating what’s been said, don’t you know it’s all we are? Don’t you know it’s all we do? So if you choose, and get to do so, so if you create and corrupt and empty your veins and pour
     then you’re one of those repeaters. Say it until you listen. Say it until the world listens. And then say it again.

All we do is gain or lose control

Posted on by under Longer thoughts

I wish I could lose control.

Splash colours until people cry by looking at them,

turn myself inside out and wipe my blood on the canvas.

Instead I give up halfway through ugly eyes, drawn as if I were a pretentious 12 year old. Disproportionate figures and shapes that never become anything. The thing is, I don’t know how to draw. I repeat lines, and colours, look and remake, but when it comes down to my own expression, I’m empty. Just recreate by hands and in mind. Like we all do, are we nothing but radios? We understand something we think no one has understood before and we tell it or teach or live it. And even tuning in to that, the repetitiveness with which people think their minds are free, is just another of those realisations. Is that what I’ll blare about until the day I die?

Sometimes (too rarely) I forget to act normal in public and I sit weirdly curled up on the bus with the bumps shaking my handwriting. It’s slowing down though. Minutes of looking out the window between every sentence. My mad sadness settles into sleepiness. To quote a song that I like: I don’t know if this, is a surrender or a rebel.

Problem of The Artist (The Ability – Ambition Gap)

Posted on by under Longer thoughts
There are two sides to any sort of creating:
  1. What you want to express, say, do.
  2. Your ability to do it.
The first one, many people have, the second one, not so many. Because the first one is instinctual. Natural. Inspired by the outside world, but also everything you are, letting it out. The second one means fighting for the first one. Because it all comes down to communication, making other people see what you see, whether it’s through a text or a video or a picture or something completely different. And this is where it’s easy to give up, because a lot of time the gap between the first and the second point will seem impossible to get over. For a great part of my life, I’ve never even thought about the fact that maybe one day I will be able to paint down what I see in my head and be happy with it. But I believe that day will come. I hope it will, because I have to. That’s how you continue. Because everything you create and become unhappy with is a part of what you will create and be happy with, later. It’s the warm up. You’re building up to it. Do it publicly or secretly, just know that one day you will see your soul in a creation. And if the first thing, your want to express something, is strong enough to get you through the ups and downs of the second step, then I suppose you’re an artist.