I just want to create stuff and get enough sleep. I want the contrasts, the darkness of the world and the brightest soul humanly possible. I want the world and I want to get out of it, be more than it to be able to look down at what it really is. I want late swedish summer evenings, when the sun doesn’t set and I can sit next to my big window painting in the light from it. I want to travel the world and I do not want to own my own heart. I want to be no one and I want to be the person everyone dreams to become. Freedoms lies in the traces of my decisions, rests in the way my heart could never be locked in a city to long, and belongs in the wilderness of nature and the love that makes me run.
How to get inspired
I want to sparkle. Not in a twilighty, Edward Cullen kind of way but I feel a bit boring, a bit tired and empty, the corners of my mouth turned down in something else than artistic sadness. I’ve lost my inspiration and I’m thinking about what to do to get it back.
- Dance. Which I just did, and it kinda helped.
- Go for a walk. Man, it’s raining outside and it’s the perfect weather for running around on the empty streets like you just don’t care.
- Create anyways. Well I’m writing now, am I not.
- Love people. My flaw. Or well, the flaw lies in me not wanting to be around people at all times. And not now. But I do need them, I always need them to make me happy.
- Log out of the freakin’ computer. So I will.
Drawings
How to live now (or Thoughts from the gym – a treadmill lesson)
Why is it so much easier working out in a gym than it is to put on those workout clothes at home? To me it’s partly because the gym makes me feel awfully cool. But there’s something else to.
When I go cross-country skiing for more than perhaps 20 kilometers, I always have this problem with breathing. And so I break down. And my tactic to get back up again is to focus on what is going on at the exact moment. Look ahead of me, but keep all of my attention at what my body is doing and not on the road that’s still to go.
I think that’s the reason I like the treadmill. I am always right there, I can never put my eyes on the road 20 meters away and think about how much it’s going to take to get me there. I do love running outside but it’s harder for me.
The same lesson applies to life. Focus on the now and you’ll get a future, focus on the future and you’ll live your entire life in something that’s not happening. Start everyday with thinking through what you have to do, then sort out the things you can actually do today from all the things that perhaps needs to be done tomorrow or the day after that. Then push the things you’re not gonna do today out of your mind. Do not worry about them until their time comes. Stop resting the world on your shoulders and stop procrastinating.
Take a deep breath and do what you need to do today.
Brighter life and longer days studying on a roof
The weather is changing and my world with it, there’s something about the light that makes me productive. And today my only homework is to spend one hour reading Jane Eyre, worse things have happened and I think I might climb up my roof and read there until the sun starts to set.
Had a freakin’ math test today that went okay, one lesson more and then the school day was over so we went to the gym for a while. Everyone at our school got a free entrance to a gym nearby for two weeks so that’s awesome. And then we went out and ate, my friend’s birthday is tomorrow so we had ordered a cake with a photo of her that she absolutely hate on, day couldn’t have gone better. And now I’ll have some time to do things I actually enjoy. I’m gonna start with running around barefoot, man I missed that.
So anyway, here are some pictures from yesterday, sitting on my roof and studying for that freakin’ math test.
The perfect quick and healthy food
Quinoa, egg, chicken, sunflower seeds, avocado and grapefruit. This is sooo good and more importantly, sooooo quick, making it possible for you to be both lazy and healthy at the same time.
Or if you want something even quicker, just quinoa, leek and tuna!
No media before breakfast
I’m trying this out. I’ve always hated mornings with a burning passion and it bothers me that they’re so necessary, that the start of the day shapes the rest of it. Not completely, but I wish it had zero impact. To me, the point of the No media before breakfast rule is to start out stable. We hear so much, listen to so much and choose to look at so much without caring as much about not letting it be the ruler of us. Not caring about how much impact it has on us. I want to start the day off knowing who I am, knowing who God is and just enjoy reality for a while. Then I allow myself to escape it, but I always try to love reality the most. Because when I don’t, it wrecks me. When I don’t, I just spiral down further into the unrealistic dream of actually managing to escape reality. But we can’t. And reality is where I find the actual happiness anyway, the type that is free from pain.
Skiing
I’ve grown up believing that cross country skiing is the worlds most popular sport. That and perhaps football. As time went on I realized it’s kind of not, but to me it still is. Having a family and tons of friends that love it too might have something to do with that. My first time skiing was when I was two or three years old and maybe somehow I was hooked, all I know is that it is one of the things I’ve stuck with, and to me it’s one of the definitions of winter. Both the actual skiing and the weekend mornings when you eat breakfast in front of the TV, watching the champions and then my dad in the end, his screaming and cheering might be even more entertaining than the actual sport at times and me and my sister always laughed at him. Well, we still do.
So anyway, we saw the finale of the world cup live, it being in Sweden, Falun, where my aunt lives, and it was such a good day I thought I should share some pictures. I didn’t take too many though, I kind of have this problem with not actually experiencing things when I see them through a camera lens, so sometimes I let things go undocumented. Still, with my camera around my neck I can never resist it completely.
Random journal page
Procrastination and self doubt
I never quite realized the connection between those two, procrastination and self doubt. I guess it’s obvious though, self-doubt; as in believing (or not) that you can do it, and procrastination; as in doing it (or not). I suppose I’ve just always seen myself as so confident. In a way not, because I was always the shy little kid, but still, because I was the one who didn’t want to hang out with them, because whenever people didn’t like me, my unconscious though process went: Wow, what’s wrong with them? Always them, never me, and I’ve always thought that was the main difference between confident and non confident people. Either you think Wow what’s wrong with them, when they don’t like you, or you think Wow, what did I suddenly do right? when they do.
Childhood stories and my unsuccessful try at psychology aside, I’ve kind of realized that I’ve always thought of myself as the complete opposite to self doubting (okay, not really psychology aside). So to the point that even when I do doubt myself, I don’t realize it. I don’t realize that the reason behind sudden dips in my mood might be a sudden disbelief in myself. And now, looking back, I wonder how many times that’s happened without me even noticing it.
Now, though, it has showed up in my homework. My ability (well, disability) to get it done. The school I’m in now is so much tougher, the people I hang out spends about 37,8 % of their time worrying about their grades, and I think that’s getting to me. Me always agreeing that yeah, the tasks are impossible, when I used to honestly believe that I could be fine with studying to a test for about one hour. But you can’t just say that to people that it wouldn’t work for. And let’s not blame this only on that development, because I don’t know (and don’t want to know) where my grades would have ended up without those extra few hours of studying, but now I’m one of the people never doing things, until the point where I stop believing I can. Or maybe that’s the reason why I’m not doing it, I don’t even know.
I’ve postponed my essays because I don’t think I could write them if I tried, not because I think I don’t need to spend that much time on them. But I’ve noticed that the big, tremendous difference lies in how I look at the blinking cursor. And looking at it while thinking about how good I am at this, trying to scare my self doubt away to the dark corners of my brain, and then starving it back to death, is how I’ve written this post. So now I’m gonna go try it on some homework.
eirians 