I don’t want a happy life. I want the darkest, lowest valleys and the highest of heights, I want the truth of the universe and the pain of hell if that’s what it takes for me to learn something. Eyes wide open and mind spinning, I want to close my eyes, crazy.
Author Archives: Eirians
Square Selfies
Gift
I got this bluetooth speaker for my birthday, it sounds great, and it came with this inflatable floaty bathing ring thing!!
IT’S THE CUTEST THING. So it can float right next to you in the pool. Unfortunately I live in Sweden.
Well.
21st Birthday
When I turned 21 a few days ago I escaped to the north of Sweden to go skiing with my family, because birthday parties give me anxiety.
It’s not parties in general, just that if I host one myself I feel like EVERYONE HAS TO HAVE THE BEST NIGHT THEY’VE EVER HAD and that’s a lot of pressure. So I haven’t really had a birthday party since I was a small kid. It’s good then that I have friends who throw me surprise parties (even if I’m sweaty and disgusting from skiing when I arrive.) (And to be fair my mum organised a lot of it, which is extremely sweet and a little bit sad at the same time, considering I’m supposedly a “grown up”. But hey, next birthday I’ll probably be on another continent (I pray))
Anyway, birthday=great, and here you have a pre-party sisters picture.
Love.
Sun-day
Hello heart, sun in my chest. Today is a bright day.
Make sure that you don’t look away.
Keep your gaze on the inside of this moment, keep your focus on not tomorrow.
Necessary procrastination
The word procrastination does not exist in the swedish language. We have a word that means to push something to the future, but procrastinating is not just postponing something, it’s the verb for what you’re actually doing while pushing something to the future. So it describes doing something, but it describes it not by saying what you’re doing, but by saying what you are NOT. (weird word, I like it)
Sometimes though, I think the subconscious processing of thoughts is undervalued.
It always makes me think about a story I heard once. It’s about the emperor of China or something, and how he told an artist to paint the most beautiful painting ever (of some motif, I don’t remember). The artist spent years working on his painting, but when he was supposed to be done, he asked for another year, and another, saying he was not quite finished. When he finally appeared before the emperor and uncovered the canvas, it was empty. He then took his paints out, and painted the most beautiful painting in 15 minutes.
How long did it take for the artist to paint the picture? 15 minutes? Or all those years?
I can usually write a school essay because I’ve been writing it for a long time. Even if I write it the night before it’s due, it’s been in the back of my mind for a long time.
The question is, is it better to consciously decide to do something later, instead of constantly pushing it to the next minute? Do some intentional procrastinating? (I suppose that’s called planning) Or is the stress necessary to constantly have it there in the back of your mind?
I don’t know. I don’t have enough patience to finish writing about this.
Pinterest Inspiration as of Lately Pt.5
2017.01.23
The power is out in my whole village. Even the streetlights, I could barely find my way home from the bus. It made me feel really good though, the stars and now the candles at home, maybe I’ll even manage to go to bed early.
Also, here is a photo of a recent painting, so that this post becomes less boring:
bye!
Winter
Went cross country skiing today. Then I drank hot chocolate and ate waffles and got really emotional about this place I’ve been visiting for as long as I can remember.
(The thing about skiing is that it’s in my blood and bones, it’s what my dad and grandpa and great grandma did, it’s old and Swedish and the forests are dark and the views beautiful. It’s freedom and being out of breath and so much pressure. It’s me as a little girl. And it’s weird to think about the people working here, the guy preparing the tracks outside the window right now, or anyone else who’s been here. Weird that this place could mean even more to any of them.)
(no)tes.
I was going to write something on this blog today.
But then I thought (no).
But then I thought yes. Because I don’t really have anything I feel like saying right now, but I have tons of notes on my phone and on various pieces of paper. So here are some of the things I’ve thought and written down lately:
- Growing up is a bit like biting into a cloud and expecting the chewiness of marshmallows, or the taste of childhood dreams, but just finding your own teeth.
- Fiction is a wonderful way of describing things that are real, through things that are not.
- It’s a big thing, to deal with your feelings and know who you are.
- Oh to not collapse under the weight of your own breathing.
- Maybe we’re all just scared that our demons are the only ones who actually know who we are.
- (There’s nothing under your skin. There’s no one beneath your bones.)
- When you don’t want to have the made up responsibilities associated with being human, remember that you don’t.
Good night, sleep well, sweet dreams.
eirians 